I recently started Notes from Underground, not the most pleasant read but it definitely pushes you to think, to wonder, to question. I have only finished the first part yet, but the amount of notes I have written over the notes of it all, like for example I felt outed, seen in the worst places of the book where i didn't want to be. As a person who constantly thinks about what they are gonna do and doesn't even act upon it? That was the only part really where I am constantly aware of the self sabotage I do to myself and yet don't stop, it's like I'm addicted or at least my brain thinks that it's the easy way out and It goes ahead destroying myself again and again even though I don't find joy in it but somehow can't find the ability, the desperation to stop myself it's like I have no free will. I only sink deeper into this mull of nasty things i surround myself with. Once you were only at the edge of it all but slowly or rather instantly you get pulled in and then you just don't understand where you are? How did you reach there? There is no one to blame either, because no one seems to be around at this point, so you can only blame yourself. When you can't even scapegoat all this anger and shame onto someone else, that hatred more than anything else starts eating you up and you don't even know when you get used to it and that's just how days become...Your Normal. You slowly lose the will to even try and help yourself. You lose.
